I'm not really sure how to start out this post because I am not sure how it happened.  I can't stop think about the way things happened and I talk about it to process this. Over at Mother & Baby (Naomi Cotterill) explains it best:

As you can choose the people you'd like to be the godparents of your child, "many people believe that it is safest to elect a relative as they are bound by ties of blood but you might find that someone outside of the family can offer a different perspective," says Wendy. "Things to consider are the person's reliability, their beliefs and whether or not they have the time and desire to be part of the process."
Whether you choose family members or close friends, it is worth taking the time to think about the role you'd like the godparent to play in your child's life.
While godparents rarely have any legal responsibilities, the people that you choose are committing to a lifelong involvement with your family and they need to feel comfortable with this. It's a good idea to sit down with the people you've chosen to chat about your expectations and their understanding of the role. If you're having a christening in a church, check what the minister or priest requires of the godparents, as you may need to discuss these prior to the day.

Playing the role

If you've been asked to be a godparent, you're occupying a special place in your godchild's life. Being a good godparent isn't rocket science, but taking an interest in the role is generally appreciated. "A good godparent is there for the child in a loving and caring way and offers support, friendship and a gentle push in the right direction as they get older," says Wendy. In days gone by, the chosen adults would have been expected to have consistent involvement in the day-to-day lives of their godson or goddaughter's life, monitoring their spiritual development and ensuring they stay on the straight and narrow.
Expectations have since changed, but regular contact and a general willingness to be involved in the child’s life now the acceptable norm.
"Take your godchild for an outing or take them for an ice cream, simply spending time together works a treat," says Wendy. Becoming a 'third' parent to a godchild can be a wonderfully rewarding, not to mention fun experience. You'll also get first dibs on the delicious cake served after the formalities are finished!

I'm still hurt. I can't believe it.  I'm not obsessed but this is my "haunting" item.

Baby Fever

In an earlier post, I described my child birthing experience with my beautiful baby girl, Liberty Sarai.  The outcome of that birth has left me with all lady parts as side from the main component- Ms. Uterus.  The uterus is a VITAL part of carrying a baby but since that part is somewhere on an organ farm (lol), I am no longer able to carry/have children.  

With that being said,  I am having baby fever.  All the preggers walking around are super cute.  I am so happy for them and also a little jealous.  It was meant for me to experience what I did with Liberty but it still does not change the fact that I would like or want more children.  

We have weighed the options of adoption or finding a surrogate mother to carry our child.  I would love to have either or to obtain my child.  Adoption is a great option because it gives a baby/child to experience something that they may not have had with the birth family.  Its a long process but giving a child a home is the bottom line.  BUT I am leaving more towards surrogacy. 

Not to sound harsh, but I would love to have another little bugger like my husband and I.  When you think about it, it sounds feasible: find a woman that wants to help a family by being their oven.  The reality of the situation is asking a woman: to be implanted with another person's sperm and egg, to experience pregnancy (with the possibility of having ALL the usual symptoms related to being pregnant), and the end result is not having anything to show for the long experience except a feeling of helping others.  Its a long shot for us.  It is VERY expensive to have a random surrogate to do the job because the of hospital bills, check ups, ultra sounds, etc.  

 Liberty (bottom) and her German cousin, Alicia (top)

Maybe one day we will have another bundle, but until then Liberty Sarai will be the lone, spoiled, not-brat-like munchkin.

My Hero

I decided to write this post because I saw a video (on God.com) of a girl singing to her mother in the hospital fighting the final stages of cancer.  This is such a special moment caught on camera.  Watch the video and pray that God helps the family in healing over this loss.  http://www.godvine.com/Girl-Sings-a-Beautiful-Song-to-her-Mother-on-her-Death-Bed-1606.html

During my sophomore year in high school, my mother went to the hospital on her birthday 1/1/2012.  During her stay I visited her but most trips were not the best.  I think that I knew she was not going to make it out.  I was very angry and I blamed her for making me stay with my grandparents and aunt. 

One one of my last visits with her, she asked me to sing her favorite song "Hero" by Mariah Carey.  This was our song and she loved to hear me sing it!  She was my number one fan.  I sang that song with her and she sang a little with me.  I remember her smiling and just enjoying her baby girl singing. 

For a long time (probably a few years), I could not even listen to the song.   It brought back the pain of losing my mother.  This is for my momma.  May she rest in peace.

Christmas 2011

 Its not how fast you heal, but every moment that reminds you of that time, helps you to heal a little more.

It been a long time since I have posted something on here.  Mostly because I am lazy but I don't like feeling vulnerable all the time.  But this post is something worth posting.


On Christmas morning, December 25, 2011, my husband gave me the best present EVER.  It didn't come with a gift receipt or in a box but it totally made my day.

It has been 11 years since my mom has passed and at this point, I can honestly say that I do not remember what she sounds like.  Every now and then I can smell perfume that she wore or see an outfit that was similar to her wardrobe or even see someone that reminds me of her but I can not remember what she sounds like.  How could I forget that?  It seems like I am a bad person for forgetting what my mother sounds like but on Christmas day my husband changed that for me.

Along with telling me that we can go to GERMANY in a few months, he told me to play the VCR (old school, huh? :) )  My aunts wedding ( in 1988) popped up on the screen and there......was my mommy.  My beautiful mother, as the maid/matron of honor, walking down the isle.   I sooned followed, escorted my my grand dad.  This made my day and I thought it was over.  I went back to playing with Liberty and Eli told me to press the play button one more time.  I did and this time it was at the reception and my aunt was tossing the bouqet (sp?)  Then I heard it.  After so many years, I heard my mom speak!  It was one of the best moments of my life and of course, I started to ball like a baby.

But needless to say, It was a great moment in the day and thank you Eli Rogers for one of the best. presents. ever. :)

Better now.

Have you ever wished so hard for something, only for it not to happen?  Since my mother passed, I always wished for to come to me in my dreams.  I had that longing to see her again, to get an explanation of why she left me, to know where and if she is ok.

All the dreams that I did have of her was dreams that included her in my actual life.  I would go and visit her, she would come to me and go shopping, etc.  With all these visits, I was still selfish in the fact that I wanted to TALK to her/hold her.  Not to pretend that she was alive and that nothing had happened! These dream were torture, but I had the best dream a month ago.

The dream that I was not even thinking about came true. My mom came to me.  In my dream, I am not even sure what room we were in.  But I know that I asked where had she been?  Why did she leave me like this? All this time had passed and she couldn’t even say good bye?  Then it happened.  I hugged her and fell into her arms and she held me!  I cried and my head rested in the knees of my mom!  I am not sure how long the dream lasted but I woke up with swollen eyes and a content heart.  I was finally able to do what I had wanted/NEEDED.  And that was al the closure I needed.

Will I still miss her? YES, but I am able to breathe easily knowing that my mommy is ok.  To all those that have lost a loved one, let your heart grieve but know that the ache is only there momentarily and God helps with healing.

What if?

What if? Thats a good question as it pertains to my mom.  What if she didnt meet God on January 12, 2000.  What if she was allowed to be here?  I play this senario over in my head all the time, but I find comfort in knowing that she was taken to ensure no more duration of pain.  Maybe if she had lived, then she might have been faced with a disease or something that could have caused enormous pain and suffering.  So praise to my GOD for taking my mother and making it into something that gives him GLORY...thats what its all about. Decisions made in honor of him and to give him glory.  Even though I wished, with EVERY fiber of my being that she were still here, I take comfort in knowing that he made the best choice to ultimatley turn it back to him.

Also , I have been reading other blogs, other christian blogs, that mostly have to deal with loss-particularly the loss of a child.  As I read about the mother's trauma, I sit back and think "what if that was my little girl".  I would be devestated but as hard as it is to fathom, that could be my reality someday.  Now in writing this, I am not trying to be morbid, just stating to GOD and others that Liberty undoubtedly belongs to God and he is going to use her for him.  I give my child to Christ knowing that shes not  "mine" but used as a vessal to show how great God is. 
I hope that this is making sense seeing that it is 3:22 A.M.  I just had some ramboline thoughts that I need to write.  And maybe its not eliquently written like my husband's writing, but for me, all I need to do is convey words/emotions/me.

Today was a good day

Seems as though I have made it through the holidays.  Every year is different.  I miss my mom more and others I just know that today is a day that I can celebrate her memory. Today....I celebrated my mom!  I knew that she was watching down today, celebrating her birthday as we (Libby and I) talked to her.  I know that she is and would be proud of me for everything that I have done.  Happy Birthday Sandra Jean!  I love you and Liberty says hi!