Shut down

If you havent gone through a loss, then you have NO idea what I am talking about.  Some people can say to just suck it up or something like that, but is definitly not that easy.  To even be able to really work through MY feelings about that day has taken me 10 years to talk to someone.  I know that I should have seen someone then. I knew I really needed to, but I knew I couldnt show emotions because false emotions would be given back or I would be told that I was crazy....

Its harder when the holidays, Christmas, etc. roll around. It sucks because I am starting to not remember her smell, her cooking, etc.  Its been 10 years but its amazing what I can remember about that day.....sounds, smells,happenings, people. 

The call came in around 1:00 A.M. on a Wednesday morning.  I am a light sleeper so I heard my grandmother answer the phone.  She had panic in her voice and I already knew what was going on.  I remember telling myself that the hospital doesnt call to tell you that there has been a drastic decline in progress.  My mom was gone and they just didnt want to tell us over the phone.  I woke up and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw a cat and dog wrestling in the floor. I turned on the tv and Mariah Carey's video with 98 Degrees, Joe, " Thank God I found you" was playing.  I could hide the tears no more.  It was almost like an outer body experience.  I put my clothes on and went to the porch as my grandmother rallied everyone else up.  The morning was quite and cold.

On the ride to the hospital, I sat by the rear window and just thought about the past days: Jan. 1 Birthday party for Mom. All her friends were there and she loved everything.  That night she got sick and had to be taken to hospital where she had been till now.  One day I went to visit her and she asked me to sing to her.  Her favorite song in the world: Hero by Mariah Carey!  I sung her to sleep that night and I will always cherish that moment I got to have with her!  Two days later I was mean to her because I wanted her to come home and I was mad that she was sick and had left me with the evils!  I needed her and I couldnt handle it, but she just smiled and said that it would all be done with soon.  I just took it for what it was worth and I kissed and hugged her bye (for the last time).

At the hospital, we were taken to a waiting room.  My grandmother was all upset, wondering why my mom had gotten worse.  I knew why we were there....I knew.   As the doctor appeared in the doorway, my instinct became reality....my mom had passed away.   The whole room erupted in sadness, but ALL I wanted to do was see her.  I was led down the hall to my mother's room and there she was: my beautiful mom appearing to be asleep.  I grabbed her hand.  Maybe I hoped that she was still alive and that the doctor's had made a mistake, but the cold rigid hand told me otherwise.  I wanted to hug her, but shock set in and I was emotionally numb from here on out. 

We left the hospital and headed towards home.  At home, the called my school to let them know that I would not be in due to my mother dying.  The next few days, My grandmother made me make the funeral plans.  I remembering picking out her clothes, going to the funeral home (creeps), and to the visitation.  The funeral was a blur and I spent the entire time clinging to my older cousin Albert Jr.

Needless to say, this is A LOT for a 14 year old girl to go through, but somehow I managed to hide it all only letting bits and pieces come out over the years.

I feel myself this year heading towards a shut-down.  I dont mean to but when I go into emotional overload, but its like a computer with too many programs running....crash..... I am olding strong and dealing with emotions before they get too much to handle but one big day is coming up and I hope to hold strong.

Hospital Triumph

Since the hospital stay was a bit of a blur, I only remember bits and pieces... But I do remember the pain and not be able to hardly move. Ok, here goes...

After surgery, I was wheeled up to ICU.  I had a GREAT and AMAZING view in the room, but I was told that I couldnt see my newborn baby until I left ICU.  That was heart breaking.  The little girl that I had only seen and heard briefly was going to be away from me even longer now?!  Well then India....the fight is on!

I woke up the next day to Trista and her making sure that I was ok :)  I cant remember what time that I DID wake up but it looked early in the morning.  I kept asking about Eli and the baby and when I could see them but she told me that the docs had said it would probably a day at least. 

Throughout the day I had many visitiors but I can honestly say that I dont remember them or what I said/told them.  In the midst of visitors, they told me that I had an MRI or something to make sure that my organs were in tact and not nicked.  After making the extreme effort to get out of the bed, be rolled down to the test room (the smallest bump felt like someone had punched me in the stomach), the tech got mad at ME for not having my Shellfish allergy bracelet on!  I told him that I wasnt the one who cut it off and that I kept telling them my allergys.  Nonetheless, I runied HIS day by having an allergy.  He burnt my biscuit and now I had to return to my room over teh hell ride that got me there. 

Once in the room, the new man nurse told me that I would be able to go to post-partum by 1.  That was 3-4 hours away I think.  I cant remember what it was based on if I could go or not.  I just told myself that, no matter how much pain I was in or whatever, I was going to post-partum to see my FAMILY!

Needless to say, I made it to the room and was able to hold MY child after 20 or so hours in surgery/ICU.  It was such a relief to hold her, feed her, and just be with my hubsand and Libby.  My relief was also accompanied by losts of pain and they gave me strong meds to help with that.  Thats why the ICU and post-partum room is so hazy.

After 6 days in the hospital,  great nurses who bent over backwards for me, an evil one or two who made me cry and want to spit fire at them,  being so drugged that I would stop in mid sentence, singing to my daughter while crying, taking a first bath! and eating food after 4 DAYS, walking around the halls in an awkward silence with the nurse, great friends and family coming to see us, and somewhat adjusting to new parenthood, we finally went home!

I am very greatful to have gone through this experience because it has added to my character.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

A New Day

First Off, I want to give praise and honor to the God above all.  He has giving me a second chance at life.  God gives and takes away.  With that, let praise be to him and thank you heavenly father for the life you have let me lead!

When you first become pregnant, it seems like everyone wants to tell you the horror stories about their labors or what happened to their friends. This was supposed to prepare me for what COULD happen…… I can honestly say that what anyone told me could NOT prepare me for what was to come……

It was a Friday afternoon. Around 5:30 P.M.  Eli, my husband, was in the middle of taking a nap before we went to Waffle house for the All-Star Special (yum).  Before we went, I decided to lie down too. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I felt a drop and a pop!  I thought, “Is this it? Is this what it feels like when your water breaks?”  Indeed it was!  My water HAD broken and now it was time to call the mid-wife.  After calling numerous people, we headed to the hospital for the birth of our first child, Liberty Sarai Rogers. Oh how the excitement, nervousness, and love filled the air.  Finally after a long wait, our baby would soon be here: born naturally and in a quite, peaceful environment.

Ok, now the hospital stay to me is blurry.  So hold on.  We arrived at 7:45ish P.M. at Vanderbilt hospital in the ER.  I had a towel wrapped around me because I was leaking fluid like a beast.  The towel gave me a sense of comfort and I was a “super hero” in it.  I had to make humor somewhere because it looked like I had peed my pants!  We headed to the room where they hooked me up to monitors and such.  The baby was not having all this and THEN they started Pitocin.  That medicine is no joke!  Woo!  I soon felt the contraction.  Now that’s pain!  I still wanted to persevere and go with the natural method of child birth-no drugs, but after about 12 hours, I got the epidural.  In agonizing pain and shaking, the nurse instructed me to sit on the side of the bed to get the epidural.  This was the craziest thing I had ever heard.  What? Really?  Sit still while you poke me with med.  I did and felt instantly better.  Throughout the day, I was in and out of consciousness due to the med and the only thing I remember during that time is the medical team (mid-wife included) rushing in to say that the baby’s head was swelling.  We were going to have the dreaded C-section.  We knew it was the best route to go, so yes. Yes to the C-section.

I remember a lot of people around me unhooking and positioning me this and that way.  Then the contractions started without pain med.  Soon I saw bright lights above me as I was wheeled though the hallway to surgery. I was going to have major surgery.  I was terrified.  What would happen? What would it feel like? 

I eventually was in the OR and they told me to move myself to the table (yeah, right I see this happening).  I made my way to the table, taking breaks in-between contractions.  Soon after, I was hooked up to every machine imaginable!  I was scared, excited, and overwhelmed that any minute I would be a mother!  So awesome!  I the surgery soon started and my husband was no where to be found.  I told the nurse beside me, “Wait, we have to stop. Where’s my husband? I need HIM here!”  Out of the corner of my eye, I see him in his OR getup and he took his place by my head.  I do remember that I kept telling him to fix my blue shower cap.  For some reason, I was worried that if I didn’t have it on that they would kick me out of the OR. Funny.  He tried to warm my arms that were on out stretched boards (even had heating pads on them).  Then we heard our baby!  She’s here and I feel so relieved that I could breathe (being pregnant and on your back is not a fun place to be)!  They wrapped her up and brought her around and according to Eli; I gave a million kisses and told her that I love you over and over.  I surely do not remember that.  And just like that, they (husband and baby) were gone to the nursery and I was getting stitched up to rejoining my family shortly….or so I thought. 

These next parts are blurry.  I remember the pain doctor making sure that the med was still working.  I reassured him that it was and then apparently passed out.  I would wake up to him standing over me and screaming my name.  Every time I woke up I said, “What?”   Like clock work, I passed out again and woke up to at least 6 doctors and nurse trying to massage my uterus to get it to retract.  To this I replied, “Why are they punching me in the stomach?”  I noticed A LOT of warm liquid pouring out and at this point knew that something was not right at all!  The blond doctor pulled the curtain down that obstructed my view of what was going on and said “To save you LIFE, we have to remove you uterus.  It is hemorrhaging and you are bleeding out.  Is it ok if we do this?”  I told her to do what she had to do.

They reopened my already sew together incision and began to do a partial hysterectomy.  During this time, the nurses and such were rushing around to get blood for me.  I NEEDED so much to compensate what I had lost.  As I drift in and out, I hear the nurse standing to my right say that it doesn’t look good for me.  I had lost too much blood.  WOW, did she really just say that.  I AM RIGHT HERE LISTENING TO YOU!  I wasn’t even able to hold my child and I am going to DIE!  No this can’t be!  I quickly turned to my left and found the midwife’s assistant.  “Since everyone is on their cell phone, can I at LEAST die talking with someone? Can I talk to Trista?”  The midwife’s assistant (Minolo/a, she wasn’t one of my faves) said she would see.  She came back and told me I could but I had her to hold my hand.  Now this is really mean but I told her “Well, I guess you will do.”  At this point I knew I was going to die and I wanted to hear/speak with someone that I loved.  Not a soon-to-be midwife that sucks!  I bit the bullet and clinged desperately to this person.  The person that would be with me till the end.  I was scared beyond belief.  So this was how it would be?  Not even a goodbye to my husband, new born child!

In my head, I began to bargain with God. “You can’t let me die, not like this!  I need to see them again. IT’S NOT FAIR!  As quickly as I had spoken those words, a sense of calm came over me and I KNEW it was happening.  I was dying and could do nothing about it.  Right then and there, I told God that whatever would bring him glory, let it be and it went black.

I woke up to people chattering and trying out how to move this “rather large woman (one of the people said that)” to the stretcher.  Wait, is this heaven? No!  I’m alive, really?  They eventually go this rather large woman to the stretcher and into ICU.  There they kept telling me about losing my uterus and that I couldn’t see my kid for at least 12 hours.  “I understand, ok, ok.” Was my reply. At this time, I didn’t care. I just wanted to see my Eli and Trista. 

I wake up to find my love at my bedside.  We talked for a while and he tried to show me pictures of our little girl.  I tried to see but the medicine was kicking in.  Off to night-night for me. Soon it was morning and I first awoke to an amazing sunset. Gods way of saying, a new day has come and you are alive!  I woke up to see Trista sleeping in a chair with her left leg cocked over the side.  She had stayed by me all night, diligently watching the monitors and making sure I was ok.  Trista, you will never know how much I love and appreciate all that you did for me.  I love you!

 In closing, this blog is dedicated to my God.  The one who saw fit for me to live and be a part of this amazing little girl's life, to Eli for dealing with all my emotions, to all my friends and family for checking on me and visiting me (it really showed me how much you all cared) and to TP-my homie.  I dont know how you feel about me but I truly love you! I know that God put you in my life for many reasons and this was one of them.  Thank you so much for being who you are and for sticking it out!  Beso!

Then next few hours were crazy, but that will come in future blogs….