Christmas 2011

 Its not how fast you heal, but every moment that reminds you of that time, helps you to heal a little more.

It been a long time since I have posted something on here.  Mostly because I am lazy but I don't like feeling vulnerable all the time.  But this post is something worth posting.


On Christmas morning, December 25, 2011, my husband gave me the best present EVER.  It didn't come with a gift receipt or in a box but it totally made my day.

It has been 11 years since my mom has passed and at this point, I can honestly say that I do not remember what she sounds like.  Every now and then I can smell perfume that she wore or see an outfit that was similar to her wardrobe or even see someone that reminds me of her but I can not remember what she sounds like.  How could I forget that?  It seems like I am a bad person for forgetting what my mother sounds like but on Christmas day my husband changed that for me.

Along with telling me that we can go to GERMANY in a few months, he told me to play the VCR (old school, huh? :) )  My aunts wedding ( in 1988) popped up on the screen and there......was my mommy.  My beautiful mother, as the maid/matron of honor, walking down the isle.   I sooned followed, escorted my my grand dad.  This made my day and I thought it was over.  I went back to playing with Liberty and Eli told me to press the play button one more time.  I did and this time it was at the reception and my aunt was tossing the bouqet (sp?)  Then I heard it.  After so many years, I heard my mom speak!  It was one of the best moments of my life and of course, I started to ball like a baby.

But needless to say, It was a great moment in the day and thank you Eli Rogers for one of the best. presents. ever. :)

Better now.

Have you ever wished so hard for something, only for it not to happen?  Since my mother passed, I always wished for to come to me in my dreams.  I had that longing to see her again, to get an explanation of why she left me, to know where and if she is ok.

All the dreams that I did have of her was dreams that included her in my actual life.  I would go and visit her, she would come to me and go shopping, etc.  With all these visits, I was still selfish in the fact that I wanted to TALK to her/hold her.  Not to pretend that she was alive and that nothing had happened! These dream were torture, but I had the best dream a month ago.

The dream that I was not even thinking about came true. My mom came to me.  In my dream, I am not even sure what room we were in.  But I know that I asked where had she been?  Why did she leave me like this? All this time had passed and she couldn’t even say good bye?  Then it happened.  I hugged her and fell into her arms and she held me!  I cried and my head rested in the knees of my mom!  I am not sure how long the dream lasted but I woke up with swollen eyes and a content heart.  I was finally able to do what I had wanted/NEEDED.  And that was al the closure I needed.

Will I still miss her? YES, but I am able to breathe easily knowing that my mommy is ok.  To all those that have lost a loved one, let your heart grieve but know that the ache is only there momentarily and God helps with healing.

What if?

What if? Thats a good question as it pertains to my mom.  What if she didnt meet God on January 12, 2000.  What if she was allowed to be here?  I play this senario over in my head all the time, but I find comfort in knowing that she was taken to ensure no more duration of pain.  Maybe if she had lived, then she might have been faced with a disease or something that could have caused enormous pain and suffering.  So praise to my GOD for taking my mother and making it into something that gives him GLORY...thats what its all about. Decisions made in honor of him and to give him glory.  Even though I wished, with EVERY fiber of my being that she were still here, I take comfort in knowing that he made the best choice to ultimatley turn it back to him.

Also , I have been reading other blogs, other christian blogs, that mostly have to deal with loss-particularly the loss of a child.  As I read about the mother's trauma, I sit back and think "what if that was my little girl".  I would be devestated but as hard as it is to fathom, that could be my reality someday.  Now in writing this, I am not trying to be morbid, just stating to GOD and others that Liberty undoubtedly belongs to God and he is going to use her for him.  I give my child to Christ knowing that shes not  "mine" but used as a vessal to show how great God is. 
I hope that this is making sense seeing that it is 3:22 A.M.  I just had some ramboline thoughts that I need to write.  And maybe its not eliquently written like my husband's writing, but for me, all I need to do is convey words/emotions/me.

Today was a good day

Seems as though I have made it through the holidays.  Every year is different.  I miss my mom more and others I just know that today is a day that I can celebrate her memory. Today....I celebrated my mom!  I knew that she was watching down today, celebrating her birthday as we (Libby and I) talked to her.  I know that she is and would be proud of me for everything that I have done.  Happy Birthday Sandra Jean!  I love you and Liberty says hi!