If you havent gone through a loss, then you have NO idea what I am talking about. Some people can say to just suck it up or something like that, but is definitly not that easy. To even be able to really work through MY feelings about that day has taken me 10 years to talk to someone. I know that I should have seen someone then. I knew I really needed to, but I knew I couldnt show emotions because false emotions would be given back or I would be told that I was crazy....
Its harder when the holidays, Christmas, etc. roll around. It sucks because I am starting to not remember her smell, her cooking, etc. Its been 10 years but its amazing what I can remember about that day.....sounds, smells,happenings, people.
The call came in around 1:00 A.M. on a Wednesday morning. I am a light sleeper so I heard my grandmother answer the phone. She had panic in her voice and I already knew what was going on. I remember telling myself that the hospital doesnt call to tell you that there has been a drastic decline in progress. My mom was gone and they just didnt want to tell us over the phone. I woke up and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw a cat and dog wrestling in the floor. I turned on the tv and Mariah Carey's video with 98 Degrees, Joe, " Thank God I found you" was playing. I could hide the tears no more. It was almost like an outer body experience. I put my clothes on and went to the porch as my grandmother rallied everyone else up. The morning was quite and cold.
On the ride to the hospital, I sat by the rear window and just thought about the past days: Jan. 1 Birthday party for Mom. All her friends were there and she loved everything. That night she got sick and had to be taken to hospital where she had been till now. One day I went to visit her and she asked me to sing to her. Her favorite song in the world: Hero by Mariah Carey! I sung her to sleep that night and I will always cherish that moment I got to have with her! Two days later I was mean to her because I wanted her to come home and I was mad that she was sick and had left me with the evils! I needed her and I couldnt handle it, but she just smiled and said that it would all be done with soon. I just took it for what it was worth and I kissed and hugged her bye (for the last time).
At the hospital, we were taken to a waiting room. My grandmother was all upset, wondering why my mom had gotten worse. I knew why we were there....I knew. As the doctor appeared in the doorway, my instinct became reality....my mom had passed away. The whole room erupted in sadness, but ALL I wanted to do was see her. I was led down the hall to my mother's room and there she was: my beautiful mom appearing to be asleep. I grabbed her hand. Maybe I hoped that she was still alive and that the doctor's had made a mistake, but the cold rigid hand told me otherwise. I wanted to hug her, but shock set in and I was emotionally numb from here on out.
We left the hospital and headed towards home. At home, the called my school to let them know that I would not be in due to my mother dying. The next few days, My grandmother made me make the funeral plans. I remembering picking out her clothes, going to the funeral home (creeps), and to the visitation. The funeral was a blur and I spent the entire time clinging to my older cousin Albert Jr.
Needless to say, this is A LOT for a 14 year old girl to go through, but somehow I managed to hide it all only letting bits and pieces come out over the years.
I feel myself this year heading towards a shut-down. I dont mean to but when I go into emotional overload, but its like a computer with too many programs running....crash..... I am olding strong and dealing with emotions before they get too much to handle but one big day is coming up and I hope to hold strong.
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